Dude Looks Like A Lady
by Helkh
Summary: When Byakko goes to visit the Emperor, he finds a very attractive woman working in the palaces. Unfortunately, that woman is Souryuu. Who isn't impressed. Will Byakko have his way with him? Or, wait, is it the other way around?


**Dude Looks Like A Lady**  
Found Me A Reason

  
  
_Cruise into a bar on the shore   
Her picture graced the grime on the door   
She's a long lost love at first bite   
Baby maybe you're wrong but you know it's all right That's right_

I was unimpressed with the whole scenario, and I had every right to be. I mean, the government totally ignores me for the better part of a millennium, and suddenly they figure out they need a western guardian? Biggest load of crap I've ever heard. I've known since I was nothing more than a fat little kitten that my power far exceeded anyone I had ever scratched (read all the adults I could get my claws in). So, you could say, I was destined.

Which is true. Technically. But Rikugou cares about that stuff. Nobody else does, including me. So, moving on.

I was living a quaint little life by the time I was about three hundred. (It's amazing how much sleep you can get when you don't have a tyrannical Dragon breathing down your neck.) So there I was, minding my own business, when a pompous messenger came flouncing up to my door a few centuries after that. I had half a mind to tear him to pieces with my marvellously amusing powers, but decided the Emperor would start paying attention to me. Which was a Bad Thing. So while he sniffed disdainfully at my little den, so to speak, I prepared food. When I served it, he seemed shocked that I could cook.

Of course, now that I look back, he was speechless that someone with my power would do menial labour. I still do, actually.

He didn't exactly turn it down, though. Then he informed me that I was to visit the Imperial Palace and be spoken to by the Emperor. I asked if I had a choice. He said no.

So, that was that.

  
_Backstage we're havin' the time   
of our live until somebody say   
Forgive me if I seem out of line   
Then she whipped out her gun and tried to blow me away!_

I made it to the Palace, believe it or not. I wandered around lost for a while, feeling very inadequate for the job I dreaded being offered. No one deigned to speak to me, swishing past in colourful silks. I didn't precisely have the funds to purchase the fabrics I saw people around me wearing, so they ignored me. They thought I was a 'peasant' at the time.

I wanted nothing better than to sweep the stairs with their faces at the time. Even now, I still want to kill them all. But I can't exactly do that and avoid being chained up or locked in a separate dimension. So, you see, I don't.

Not that such reasoning stopped Touda and Kurikara. I almost envy them. Almost.

So there I was, bright, young and only around seven hundred years old. There were so many damnable palaces I couldn't decide which one contained the Emperor's Hall. I didn't dare ask for directions, lest I look stupid. I was acutely aware that I did already, but there was no point in underlining that fact in brilliant rainbow.

A little later, I decided that the big, fancy building with the Dragon architecture would be a good place to start. So, stupid little 'peasant' that I was, I walked right up to the doors and yanked them open. I may have given several clerks fatal heart-attacks.

No one but Souryuu is arrogant enough to do that.

I walked into a huge chamber that rang with silence. Then a brightly clothed figure descended from the central desk (if you can call it that; I'd say it was an throne).

It was here that my heart stopped, for, you see, I thought that the Emperor was about to fry me. Then I had to wonder why the Emperor was a woman.

Didn't have much time to think on it, really, because the 'Emperor' grabbed me around the collar and tossed me right out again, then slammed the door behind me. Unfortunately, I caught the whiff of some perfume and, being too curious for my own good, turned back to the door just in time to get my nose whacked out of place.

Like, splintered out of place.

I spent about five minutes cursing my obsession with smells, life, the Emperor and just about everything else I could think of. And then, when my nose healed itself, I began thinking how hot that woman had been. Then I began to get depressed because I didn't fancy women and the very thought of them gave me the willies.

After that, naturally, I ran straight into Suzaku.

  
_Never judge a book by its cover   
or who you gonna love by your lover   
Sayin' love put me wise to her love in disguise   
She had the body of a Venus, Lord imagine my surprise._

Well.

She makes a very strong first impression, Suzaku. 

After I got out of her headlock by flailing and choking at her until she decided she was killing me, she smacked me on the back and told me I was definitely new and where was I from again? I said something vague, I think.

That's how I ended up getting invited to a gathering at her place. She gave me detailed directions, expressing her concern that a poor little thing like me was out here with all of the snotty noblemen. She told me that they would eat me alive and tear me apart and 'stuff', so I'd better get myself over to the Emperor to figure out what I was going to do with my life.

I wandered away from her, kind of dazed. Suzaku does that.

The next person I ran into was going to seal my fate. He was very, very short. But damn, he was hot.

No, I wasn't repressed. Just lonely.

Anyway. He didn't exactly get me in a headlock, but he damn near cut my legs off with a friendly swipe of his sword. Scared the life out of me. His knowing grin was scared-making, too. All in all, he scared me.

Very scary man, that.

I told him shakily that I was trying to find the Emperor. He jerked his thumb at the monster building right in front of us, then told me I was an idiot. He'd take me in, but the fight against the Emperor was mine, and he hoped to see me come out alive, if only to see how fast he could get me drunk. 

I deduced that he knew Suzaku had met me and was a friend of hers. For some reason, this concept terrified me.

Well, he yanked open the doors and announced that Kurikara Ryuu Ou was there with a fledgling and if anyone tried to stop him, they would be mauled. No one even looked up from their work. This gave me the impression that the man made such entrances all the time.

To this day, I suspect he even does that when he walks into the lavatory. Moving on, now.

An annoyed page-type boy told us that I was late. And then I walked into my audience with the Emperor.

  
_That, that dude looks like a lady   
That, that dude looks like a lady   
That, that dude looks like a lady   
That, that dude looks like a lady_

Then I walked out, knowing that I was the guardian spirit of the West. I was to begin work as soon as possible. My lands were already prepared, but if they didn't please me, I could pick somewhere else. The thought of having servants doing everything was very alien.

Kurikara was artfully displayed on a mountain of cushions. He looked very smug and immediately told me that he had known at first glance. I was something special.

I was a little unnerved that he was hitting on me like that. The page-boy had explained to me just who he was. And what, more importantly. No wonder I thought he was attractive.

See, I have this thing. If it's big, scaly and has wings, I'm all over it. Call me a pervert. I don't care. Dragons are damn hot.

We made conversation for a while, until we were told to move out. Outside, we wandered around until I got some idea where things were. It was nice.

But then I caught the scent of something very sexy and turned around to look up at the 'woman' who had thrown me out the door earlier. I heard Kurikara mutter something. It didn't matter.

Because the first thing out of my mouth was, 'I thought you were a woman!'

  
_So baby let me follow you down (let me take a peek dear)   
Baby let me follow you down (do me, do me, do me all night)   
Baby let me follow you down (turn the other cheek dear)   
Baby let me follow you down (do me, do me, do me, do me)_

See, once I got a closer look at this creature, I realised it was merely the nicest piece of ass I'd ever seen. Male ass. And that's what mattered, even if he did look like a fruit with his hair up in that headpiece.

But the first thing that got my mind rolling down the 'this is a man' path was the angry exclamation. That man has got to have the lowest voice known to god-kind. 

Dead sexy.

Anyway, I stuttered around for a while, hand partially over my mouth. I tried not to check him out openly, but I don't think I really succeeded, as he kind of got red in the face and made a move for his sword. This is usually a bad sign with Dragons. Luckily, Kurikara took pity on me and smacked his hand away from the sharp pointy thing before it met my innards. I thought it was rather nice of him.

'Why are you here?' the gorgeous man growled at me. I kind of squeaked at him, trying to think of something smooth to say. Again; didn't work. He snorted.

Kurikara rolled his eyes and took my arm. 'Stop being such an asshole, Souryuu. Meet the new Western guardian.'

I grimaced unpleasantly. That meant I was nearly impaled by the Eastern guardian. And, of course, that I would soon be ordered around by the Eastern guardian. I tried to keep the silly grin off my face.

Souryuu glared at me, unimpressed. He then swished past without a word.

Kurikara made an obscene face at his back, then grinned. 'He's just got a few people problems. The nastier he is, the more he likes you.'

I nodded dumbly.

He smirked. 'I can't believe you said that.'

I nodded again. He pushed me off down a path. 'Keep it up. He needs to be advised against dressing like that. People get ideas.'

I hope he didn't see how vigorously my head bobbed to that.

  
_Oo, what a funky lady   
Oo, she like it, like it, like it, like that.   
Oo he was a lady!_

My assumption that Kurikara and Suzaku were in cahoots was correct. The fire Dragon led me off to her home and then the night began.

That woman is incredibly awesome. Just thought I'd say that.

It was a huge gathering of the elites. But the difference lay in the fact none of them were wearing very much anymore and it seemed to be a celebration of writhing bodies, loud music, and sake.

Which was perfectly fine by me. Especially when I spotted Souryuu.

Suzaku just had to drag me off at that moment to go get something to wear, damn her. I wasn't impressed. But then she laid out an array of very impressive garments that seemed to be cut precisely to my tastes. I eyed her.

'Hey, I had a hunch,' she told me with an evil smile. So I grabbed the brightest bit of fabric I could find and went to change. It took a while to get into. But what's the use of being a god if you can't squeeze yourself into impossible clothing? I primped and poked at myself until Suzaku demanded to know if I had died. She grabbed me and dragged me back into the fray.

I spent a lot of time hovering around the edges of the dancing, drinking far too much sake. Hey, I had to find courage somehow. And rage. But that was easy to get, since all I had to do was look at the bastards Souryuu was dancing with and start seething.

He was mine, damnit.

I'm not completely rational when I start drinking, no.

I have to admit, imagining Souryuu dancing in that kind of fashion boggles the mind. But he does, and that was my hook. I also have to admit that I'm a real conniving bastard when I'm drunk. So when there was a brief lull in the music, I moved close to where Souryuu was standing and mentioned to Kurikara how amateurish I thought 'that blue Dragon's' dancing was. It obviously couldn't stand up to anything a Cat could do. We were naturals.

I wasn't surprised when a heavy hand dropped on my shoulder. I looked up at Souryuu in 'confusion'. It took every bit of willpower I had not to stare at his state of undress.

Did I mention the muscles? Damn.

Right. Onward. He was practically bristling and tightly asked for a dance. The politeness of it was almost comical. Did I turn him down?

Hell no.

The next few minutes seemed to be obscured by smoke. I remember rather acutely the movement of that man's limbs and the curves of his shoulders. Hips are important, too. Oh yes. Because it's rather interesting how I found myself against the wall with his mouth on mine by the end of the third round.

I must have been too shocked to respond because he pulled back, angrily embarrassed. He apologized jerkily and disappeared. I leaned there for a while, grinning stupidly.

Personally, I think it was a really nice introduction to the world of guardian-hood. I know he's tried to avoid mentioning it to me since then. 

Suzaku is throwing another party to celebrate Tsuzuki's new partner tonight. Souryuu won't last for long, now will he?

  



End file.
